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Koh Pha Ngan FM 2010

Hey folks, be sure to check out the related post “Greatest Gong Show on Earth” for my introduction and subsequent comments for this story.

*Warning: Mature themes including drug referencing and swearing.

Cue the German accent.


Koh Pha Ngan Fullmoon experience 2010

Dear Willhelmet,

This is a true story about my myself.  Everything started smooth and easy.  The plan was that Joey, Karen (yeah, back then she was still a friend. . . ), Silent Roy and myself were sent to the famous Fullmoon party to make some promotion for Scuba Zone and to have a little fun.  So we all went full of enthusiasm to Koh Pha Ngan and pretty soon we had handed out pretty much most of the flyers – okay to be honest Joey, Karen and I handed out nearly all the flyers – Silent Roy I think just lost two and handed out none.

After a hard-working day we all agreed on the following plan: “Let’s get wasted like Fuck!”  So we went to Mushroom Mountain, smoked some pot and drank some mushroom shakes which were tasting like a mixture of toilet paper and yeast.  Some time afterwards we were sadly not tripping hard but as for the “party” – actually just a mess of 20 000 wasted people on a dirty beach with nearly 100 bucket stalls and maybe 50 different tunes being played at the same time on a volume level of ‘starting fighter jet’ – all this was simply making so much more sense and fun to me.  Since we could all still walk and talk, except for Roy of course, we decided that it’s definitely time for a bucket!  What would be a Thai party without this horrible invention? which gives thousands of tourists very bad hangovers and regrettable decisions everyday.  Slightly drunken and stoned we should have all returned back to our room at this point, but since we hadn’t booked one, we had to continue.

This point marks the beginning of the end, but at least I’ll get a place to sleep. . . The alcohol motivated us of course to get more drunk son ONCE again we went to Mushroom Mountain to buy a couple joints.  The terrible and unbelievable loud music was giving us headaches and conversation was impossible, not that Roy cared about the second part.  Still all the others decided we should go to the beach and smoke there.

There was a reggae bar which was playing Bob Marley, normally a guarantee that you can smoke pot there, (at least around Thai beaches).  So we smoked that 80% tobacco joint for maybe 3 minutes.  Roy took a walk to go take a piss (an important note for later on) when a German guy came up to me and said that it’s very dangerous to smoke on the beach.  If I wasn’t under the influence of all this shit I maybe would have even believed him but since I had the devil’s piss pumping through my veins, the only sentence I could think to say to the others was: “Ahhh, zzzeee Germans! Who the fuck should arrest me here for not even half a joint!?”  Less than a minute later I got the answer.  Three undercover Thai cops.  At first I could only see the 3 flashlights.  Fuck!!  I was still thinking that all this is just a big joke so I asked for their badges (This will surely impress them. . . ).  One guy showed me his and the other two showed me their guns.  Dammit!  Two of them were holding me very hard while the third searched about the others.  He found the second joint in a cigarette box along with 500 Baht that Joey had managed to toss under a table at the last moment.  Then this cop asked a question that even made me laugh.  “Who’s cigarettes?”  Come on, you think anyone would say it’s his pack??  The cop pocketed the money and the joint and turned back towards me.

All I could think about was: RUN! Run, Forrest, Run!!  But at first we just wanted to pay them off but the cops were not accepting it.  So I introduced Karen to my plan to run but she made it clear this was pretty pointless because who says the Thai Police won’t shoot at you, and even if you escaped, you’re still on this fucking island in the middle of no where.  All they would have to do is wait for me at the pier and pick me up.  My stomach was in my mouth, my heart beating so hard you can hear your own pulse.  After a short walk we arrived at the police station.  For the first time in hours Silent Roy made a complete sentence: “When I went for a piss, I come this way and saw the police station.”  You fucking idiot!  I was livid he didn’t warn us earlier.  All I could think now was to grab a gun and kill Roy.  How dumb is this guy??

The Thai put 5 non-English papers in front of me and told me to sign them.  What the fuck is this?  After a big protest a younger Thai person showed up and made the translation and then 5 minutes later I was sitting in the cell.  The cell was maybe 6 x 4 meters and I joined 15 other guys which had finished their Fullmoon experience more or less the same way I did.  Actually the first hour you think it’s still quite funny and it won’t be long before they open up the cell to let you out, but it wasn’t going to happen.  I became quite hungry but they wouldn’t even give us water – you really get treated like the last shit!  Everyone was slowly getting desperate, you could tell some of the guys were crying, and then there was nothing but silence for the next few hours.  I think the drugs from earlier made it better, but still every time you open your eyes you realize the hard truth – the fucking cell is still closed.

After a few hours or had it already been a full day?  No it’s just you lose your feeling for time, but anyway after so long the cell at this point packed, opened finally to let us out and not more guys in.  We were put into buddy teams on the back of a truck where we weren’t allowed to speak.  We arrived at a new police station and put into a cell even worse than the last.  At first I thought it wasn’t possible but then I remembered I’m in Thailand, so it is.  The sun was now rising but I had already lost most of my hopes.  This time there were some locals in the cell and we got a liter of water and a small dish of plain rice.  This cell was a shit hole, the toilet was in the corner so you pretty much had to piss in front of everybody.  Insects, smell, pissing cats and 17 other guys.  At least from this cell you could see some palm trees and there were some pretty funny comments written on the walls like,
“Keep smiling, You’re on holiday!”
“I will never stop smoking ganja”
“You should have gone to Amsterdam”
They took my fingerprints several times but I was still allowed to use my cell phone.  Thank God I charged it before hand.  The police station apparently had no phone but there was a lawyer’s office on the bottom floor.

So all I needed now was my passport and 40 000 Baht (Over $1300).  Not the end of the world but I was still locked up and making arrangements was difficult.  Anyway, with some help from Koh Tao, by late evening I was finally the hell out of there and it’s really like you imagine to be free again.  The Sun, the trees, just this freedom, you really can’t describe it.  All that was left was to get to Koh Samui 2 weeks from now to pay the official fee of 5000 Baht.  All’s well that ends well and once back on Koh Tao, having learned nothing, I rolled myself a fatty.

This would be a good place to end the story but there’s more!

Exactly 13 days later, I was sitting at Joey’s place with Karen having just burned one down, enjoying life and being free when I’m thinking to myself “Hmm, when you have to go to Samui again?  Friday morning so I’m thinking I should leave tomorrow morning.”  Karen says: “You know it’s Thursday?”  Me: “No, it’s Wednesday. . .”  Oh Screw!  What a massive pain in the backside!  It really was Thursday but my mobile showed Wednesday because my friend set the wrong date when he switched SIM cards.  At that moment I had less than 20 minutes left to buy a ticket, drive home, get money and make my way back to the pier.  Fuck, I nearly had a heart attack.  I never saw a Thai book a ticket so fast and I was rushing down the street on my motorbike in a panic.  I really managed to make it and less than a minute later the boat was pulling away.  That was when I had the cigarette of my life.

20 minutes later my heart was back to normal.  But now you must think from this point everything must go normal but no, no.  After spending the night at a very cheap hotel, the safe was cracked open and all my money was stolen.  Fuck me, how wrong can things go?  Anyway I had to get to court with no money and it was starting to get late.  So I was going through the streets knowing that Thai taxi drivers do fuck-all for free.  I noticed a guy sitting in a bar in front of his big Chang Beer.  I wondered if he was sitting there the whole night or if that was breakfast but I didn’t have much choice.  I told him my story, he was terribly sorry and drove me to court.

We had to spend 5 hours (most of it in a cell – I was used to it) waiting for the judge who finally showed up in a T-shirt, we then had to say “kap” (Thai for respect) several times, pay 5000 Baht which I had to borrow and then I got a form and I got to go.  On the way out I asked the lawyer what I should do with the form.  “Burn it.  Immigration doesn’t know anything.”  Of course I missed the last ferry back and had to spend another night on Samui without any money.  But it was great.  I was at a Thai Birthday party and later spent the night at a Lady-Boy’s house (nothing happened, I swear).  I later made it back to Koh Tao having probably aged 5 years in 2 weeks but grateful to have it behind me.

So that’s my Fullmoon story and in the end it only cost me shit loads of time, freedom and 65 000 Baht.  Wish you the best, man.




Following the link to the related post “Greatest Gong Show on Earth” for my introduction and subsequent comments, in case you missed it.

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